If you ever wonder, I really love and care about you

Since my boyfriend and I had decided to do the long distance thing, he calls me every single morning to say, “Good morning,” and every single night to say, “Goodnight.” If that’s not love, I’m not sure what is. The time difference is 8 hours, so it is difficult to find time to really talk to each other, but we make time. When I wake up around 6 or 7am, he comes home from work and calls me. When he wakes up for work at 6am, he calls and he’s the last person I go to bed thinking about. Early in our LDR, there was a Saturday that he didn’t call me (because he had plans with his family and was busy, but I didn’t know or care), I called him and said, “You didn’t call me,” and completely blew it out of proportion (knowing that it could go 2 ways: he’ll never do it again or he’s over the LDR). He never missed a day without calling me again.

At the end of the day, it’s always about believing in the relationship, wanting it to work, and knowing the person you’re with is worth it and vice versa. This is the most important advice I can give anyone in a LDR. If your heart is not 100% in it, it’s going to be a rocky road and it isn’t ice cream.

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I totally love you… I had lunch with a friend that I haven’t seen in nearly a year the other day. He asked me what was up with you and me, and I shrugged. He told me he’s mad at you because he seriously thought that we’d live happily ever after, but he ended it with, “You love him though. I can tell.” Yeah, I love you differently than what I originally wanted, but it’s nonetheless real. Thought I’d share that with you.

How I feel about us

Ahh, c’est la vie. Perhaps it’s things as such that prevents me from finding a legitimate relationship – can’t let go of the past. I’ll be in Shanghai in less than 2 weeks for an indefinite amount of time…. much further than Dallas to New York.

Memories of Christine still haunts me, more so now that I’m back in Dallas. Towards the end of 2013 for a brief moment (fortunately), I was spending time with an old lover from nearly 5 years ago. Drugs and alcohol filled my veins like it was the first time I was with him except this time, he’s been to prison and back and I have a ton of emotional baggage that I’ve written off as “passion”. I shake my head with a sick chuckle of how ridiculous I am for even tampering with a closed door. I am terrified of fire, yet I fly straight into it every time and burn, never learning. It was the first day of this year, and he texts me and says “we’re bad for each other…” Thank god, there must be one or at least someone out there who’s watching out for me… I can’t help but want to cry, and as the tears stream down my face, I’m unsure if they’re tears of happiness or despair. I keep getting this feeling like I’m getting closer to whatever it is I’m searching for, yet every time, I get even closer to the things I fear the most. If I am being tested, I’ve failed every single time. One step forward, two steps back… At least I’m moving forward. The devil looks at me straight in my eyes with his beautiful sharp blue eyes, and I say, “Sure, I will go to hell with you, but I don’t want to stay if that’s ok?” And I become too troublesome, maybe too demanding for he doesn’t want me. Lol. That’s what happened. I must be meant for greater things than saving the devil.